Lessons Learned
Not so long ago life was rather messy. My days were an eclectic mess of half-strung habits, poorly designed plans and incrementally measuring moments between oversized dosages of caffeine. I was balancing study and work I didn’t enjoy (balancing is being rather liberally applied here) with only small fragments of space for the stimuli I truly loved. You don’t need a doctorate in investigative science to identify the problem here. I wasn’t awfully good at replying or sticking to arrangements, would become distant, close and distant again within the space of a month without consciously realising. Above all I lacked a commitment, hell I lacked an understanding of self.
Life looks different now. I’m spending time doing the things I love. I have energy and space of mind to focus on aspects of my life that matter to me. I’m in a healthy relationship with my fiancé who is deeply supportive. I understand and action who I am - I still drink coffee by the litre but truly that’s a small sacrifice for sanity and one you’d probably all thank me for. Life is much brighter - for someone with such moody affinities this feels difficult to say - but the fact is, it’s beautiful. Life being good, is beautiful, (none of that was even a joke…)
Of course there are still difficulties, challenges to be met and choices to be mulled over. None of them particularly dire, (which precise shade of white to use when one has limited access to paint selection during an international pandemic being a dominant one right now). I just now have the capacity and knowledge to approach these and be master of them, less in a gladiatorial fashion more a chill meditative manner. That didn’t arrive in a day or a week - but arose from months and even years of consistent commitment to improvement. It’s been some of the time I’ve best spent (that said I’ve rewatched Emma about 7 times and that comes close in terms of value).
Here are some of the lessons that helped guide me to today.
Who are you?
There is nothing more prudent to remember than the single fact “this is your life”. When we understand that, we understand the true lack of limitation on our agency (can and should, are critical distinctions here, can we sell everything we own and begin building dams in Canada with beavers, yes, but should we…. probably still yes, but you sort of get my point). Too often we end up doing things we don’t want - which isn’t inherently an issue, but when these activities are leading us away from our grander goals and desires, that’s an issue. I’m talking about dead-end jobs while we dream of being a freelance designer or being stuck in a home somewhere you can’t wait to get away from. We ALWAYS have a level of agency we can exercise. There is ALWAYS a path. We do measure this autonomy against a number of different factors; moral obligations, societal obligations, common sense (too often in my opinion) - where our choices fall along this margin is in truth entirely up to you (and probably your values).
Following a path that’s both of our own design but also our own intention is where we encounter authenticity.
I don’t mean the sort of authenticity some people talk about when they “originally” reshuffle a sentence to craft your own form of “insta-poem”. I mean true recognition and development of the person you wish to be on a wholistic level.
That starts with knowing yourself, owning yourself and being yourself.
Ask yourself, are you living a life true to who you are?
2. What is your life?
The natural fact that follows is; your life is what you do. It’s not the dreams we hold, it’s the ones we pursue. Understanding this truth does require a level of sacrifice. We will always have dreams that we can’t quite pin down (It’s best for all of us if I don’t pin down a few of mine). There is nothing wrong with dreams. I love dreams. Our life might not be what we dream, but I believe a lot of our heart is - that’s important and shouldn’t easily be let go. What we are saying is that for these dreams to become reality, we do in fact need to live them… in reality (if that wasn’t clear).
This isn’t a hopeless point. In fact it’s intensely hopeful - you need to give yourself permission to live.
Practically I can guess this will always involve a level of risk. Stepping away from a comfortable job or even simply having the self belief to see yourself as worth more than an ordinary existence. Following a dream requires a leap of faith, if you’re sitting dumb with apathy, you need a slap in the face, (due to social distancing requirements there’s no one in a better position to do this than yourself).
Risk is a frightening concept for the modern individual. When we truly analyse how we live - I feel there is more risk in spending another day as the human we don’t want to be, than there will ever be chasing an authentic you.
3. We are what we allow.
This particularly speaks to the people we allow in our lives. There is much research that points to the effects the individuals around us have on who we are and how we live each day. Our friends, our partners, the people we listen too are of critical importance. This doesn’t mean only listen to sweet positive things with nothing but feel good messaging with finger paintings of unicorns and dolphin song - I’m quite convince that sort of thinking is how a lot of poor “religions” have started.
I do mean, if we give folk who are negative or toxic an abundant amount of airspace and respect some of those sentiments will leak into our mind - and quite frankly, I don’t know who you are, but you (probably… maybe?) deserve better than that. Think about some of the attributes we want to receive from the people around us - write them down, it might look a little like this, it might not…
support
honesty
genuine friendship
doughnut delivery
If we want these things - let us consciously spend more time with the people that provide them. It’s important to remember friendship isn’t a transactional entity and we can always strive to be a good individual regardless of the qualities (or lack of) in the individuals around us. We can make conscious decisions about who we spend our time with though.
Culling toxicity in our lives can be scary at first, but I promise you won’t even need a hazmat suit (well I hope you won’t) and it undeniably makes us stronger. Start by writing a small list of negative qualities that you won’t stand for or that cause untoward anxiety and begin searching for the source.
4. Today is here, Now.
Forward thinking like'; “things will be good once…” or “when I am able to quit…” is pretty damn common. Goal setting can be a strong practice - but it can quickly become all consuming and detract from the reality of today - particularly its magic. Now we’re not all Gandalf, but there are when we look closely truly magical aspects of everyday. The feeling of warmth waking up, the brilliant complexion of a sunset of the sound of rain in mid-winter - life is filled with truly wonderful caricatures of beauty when you look. We even create some of them ourselves; that sweet scent of coffee in the morning or the feeling of resolve when completing an assessment or particularly tedious part of work.
I know when I complete a task I’m already planning the next one without giving a moments thought to the accomplishment that’s just occurred. It’s still a habit I’m growing into, though it’s one I’m already seeing the benefits of.
Fulfilment and happiness are experiences of the present moment. We just need to allow ourselves to experience and relish them - they’ll leave us with an even greater hunger for the next goal.
As wise (probably more odd Lachlan) as it might be to share lesson’s learned by someone in their mid-20’s, all our understanding at the moment in provisional. We will always be learning more about ourselves and adapting to different experiences we have in our unique lives. The biggest lesson is to understand we have a responsibility to continue learning as we grow. When we can commit to that, anything will truly be possible (except quitting caffeine, obviously).
